This was me five years ago, after losing 100 pounds. Age 25.
At the start of the summer I celebrated my 30th. And yes, while it was my birthday, and the cake was gluten-free,
I assure you, I did not need that cupcake.
I’m not gonna lie. This post, this topic in general, terrifies me to make public. But showing these photos and my obvious struggle is worth any momentary embarrassment because the topic couldn’t be anymore relevant. According to the CDC, 33.8% of Americans are obese; some studies suggest the amount is more like 68%. I’m so done being part of this statistic. After downloading the above image one night, I was floored. I remember thinking “How did this happen? I promised myself I would never be here again.” It took two more months and a health crisis (food+intolerances=nasty symptoms) before I was ready to make a serious change. That crisis led me to my current solution.
Myself, currently
I’ve lost 32 pounds since that “fat photo” was taken in April. I’m pretty stoked. But like I said, I’ve been down this weight loss path before. In my early 20’s I weighed 230 pounds. I lost 100 and it changed my life. But then something changed. I started listening to those nasty voices in my head again, telling me I still wasn’t good enough or thin enough, eating those foods my body craved, but it doesn’t tolerate well, and I gained weight. I’ve tried so hard to be a gorgeously confident, self-assured, Big Beautiful Women, but the fact of the matter is, I know that if I actually felt good about myself I wouldn’t be a Big Beautiful Woman. You can’t fix a body you hate.
I’ll honor self love at any size or shape, truly, but for me, being at a healthy weight is self love. I want to focus on that this time around, and congratulate myself with each pound lost, walk taken and apple eaten. Celebrate every bambino step, rather than focus on the steps left to take. And I want to feel worthy enough to continue showing myself love when I slip. It’s so easy for me to accept defeat and then spiral out-of-control rather than take things in stride. But life is not perfect, and I am not perfect.
My current weight. Dude, I had to do this to show progress people. Please be kind. Personally I’m stoked.
So that’s where I’m at. I hope you will follow along on this journey with me and hope that at best, it will inspire, and hey, at worst, it will amuse. I’m totally aware that my path to health might not be your solution. And that’s fine. I hope you do whatever feels best for you. I’ll continue to share my discoveries and the ups and downs of this journey, and I would be so honored and inspired to learn about yours. Who wants to join me?
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45 Responses to “the journey begins”
Good luck!
I love you honey and am so proud of who you are and where you’re going.
Going through similar struggles myself, I appplaud you for saying “enough is enough and I deserve better than I give myself.”
You are inspiring and I’m glad to be working on this right alongside you!
You are so brave! I am so glad you have found a way to nourish yourself that feels right for you. And it’s working!!!! You look great! Thank you for sharing something so personal in an honest, helpful way. You rock!
Carla recently posted..No-Sew Colored Pencil Roll
“I’ll honor self love at any size or shape, truly, but for me, being at a healthy weight is self love.” I love this post and that sentence in particular. Sadly, I didnt really appreciate my smaller self either. 25lbs less than I am now I still found faults with myself. I promise myself I won’t do that this time around. I’m going to appreciate all of the things my body has done for me and quit focusing on those little imperfections.
Sarah recently posted..My (First) WIAW
I love this Kimberly! I applaud your efforts and will try to be an encouragement as you’re on your way to a healthier you!
Congratulations and good luck. My oldest friend has struggled with weight issues for as long as I’ve known her (since kindergarten!) and I wish there was an easier solution for people who are pre-disposed to putting on weight (for whatever reason).
Words in your post reminded me of a story about self-forgiveness I heard once by a Buddhist monk. I can’t find the story online, but in searching for it, I found this and it conveys pretty much the same meaning:
http://www.findlayassociates.com/newsletter_relationships_forgiveyourself.asp
Looking forward to reading about your progress.
Thank you so much Jen! I really enjoyed these bits: “Forgiving is not about condoning bad behaviour; it’s about taking responsibility and becoming a hero and not a victim in the story you tell.” and For when you can forgive the imperfection in yourself, it’s a lot easier to forgive them in others. Thank you so much for sharing these words with me – I needed to read them.
You are brave. Truly. This struggle resonates with me, and even now at 10 months past reaching my goal I worry about letting go again, creeping back up, avoiding certain pairs of jeans, then one day realizing I’ve slid. So far so good, but it’s a daily thing. It’s maintenance. You’ll do it, and seriously, you are impossibly adorable.
Brenna recently posted..My Best Intentions Are All Shot To Hell
I adore you.
I’m so interested to watch and follow along with your journey into the “Paleo” lifestyle! For my husband and I, it was the best decision we ever made…. words can’t even describe how our lives have improved from simply changing our eating patterns and overall food awareness. Best of luck as you go about changing your diet. Check out http://whole9life.com/ They have a program called Whole 30, which is great for getting started or for doing a periodic “detox” month (though it sounds like you’re on the right track already!) Looking forward to watching your progress!
stacey recently posted..chilled carrot vichyssoise
Oh what a way to make us love you even more. So I will say this because it is true. You are beautiful. I don’t mean it in the hippie-tree hugger way that I’m sure you can appreciate, but the way that a lot of total strangers mean it…. you have a gorgeous look. It’s not just your face, but the overall look you portray. You may not even realize the look you have is pretty hot.
I can totally understand your desire for the person in the first photo (I love the dress BTW), but you have something that comes through in even the photos that I am sure you show to us as your down side. There is a sexiness (OMG I just went there) that you have that you should be lucky is a part of your day-to-day look. So having said all that, I am glad you want more for yourself. I have never struggled with weight fluctuations but I was really active in my teens and twenties. After kids I just kind of stopped working out. I literally hit a wall. The best thing I’ve done for myself in my 30’s is join a gym with day care. I drop them off and work out. Even if I don’t feel like it. It’s a new me. Before kids I was like a powerhouse. I was crazy about staying fit. Now I am glad to have and hour or two that I dedicate to making me a better me. So before I totally sound like I’m bullshitting you, I am just glad to get there and do something that gets my heart beating at a higher rate than yelling at the kids. It seems pretty productive. Oh and I’m certainly not running a marathon anytime soon! I’m just trying to keep it real for me.
Sascha recently posted..Happy Birthday Little One
Speechless.
Oh, p.s. You are one of the few bloggers that has commented on my blog that I was so genuinely happy you commented because I found a great blog to follow.
Sascha recently posted..Happy Birthday Little One
Still speechless.
I am so glad to have found your blog. I appreciate and admire your honesty and bravery. This truly is a pertinent topic, and I love your approach – it’s so true that “you can’t fix a body you hate.” I’m inspired, and I will be back.
Melissa recently posted..This Moment: Rabbit Kisses
Awesome post Kim. I caught a picture of myself a few months back and started on a similar journey. I have not been able to move the scale at all- but I keep trying. I am stronger, exercising everyday. Someday it will move down, right? You are an inspiration!
SB recently posted..Happy Hibiscus
Kimberly, great post. You took the words right out of my mouth. My husband and I are on week three of Paleo and look and feel so much better. I have always struggled with body image. My hubby just wanted to lose the “tire” around the middle. Well, we are both losing both! I look forward to watching your progress. You have inspired me to blog about it too even though I was terrified to do so! Have fun with it and celebrate your body!!
Thank you for your encouragement. And please do blog about your experience. I cannot believe I’m almost done with month three of Paleo – it has flown by and become so much easier (though of course still a challenge).
Hey! Followed you over from my blog and, wow. Good linking to Everyday Paleo’s body hate link. That thing is magic. Common sense, but our brains don’t work that way, do they? Good luck and I’ll be rooting for you!
Michelle recently posted..The Jungle
Hi! Thanks for stopping by my space. It is so nice to meet you!
You know, you are seriously beautiful inside and out no matter what. I understand struggles with weight and being healthy. I am reading Savor right now. I think this post is beautiful and so necessary. I really appreciate how you opened up-so brave and just generous!
Thank you!
Sending you a big cyber hug!
xo,
Ang
So much luck to you on your journey! You deserve all the happiness and good things and you can DO THIS!
Tears :’). I love this post. Your authenticity and boldness to put it all out there is what makes you, you. And we love you!! Love your blog, love your posts, love who you are! Thank you for sharing your journey with us, your readers. I feel honored to be alongside for the ride. There is a part of me that knows Paleo is an amazing way to go, but I haven’t been able to make the leap yet. ‘What you resist, persists.’ Maybe through you, I can find my way there a little easier. You inspire. Know this.
Rama recently posted..[On My] Weekend Playlist
Jeffrey Gaines Cover ‘In Your…
<3. Thank you Rama, that means so much to me. Such a healthy role model you are!
This is my first visit to your blog, and I just joined your fan club after reading this post. Bravo for leading with your chin on this one — and congratulations on beginning your paleo lifestyle. I can’t wait to read along with you and see where you go from here. Thanks for sharing.
I’ve had a similar weight up/weight down experience in my life, so remember that you’re not alone in this struggle. Paleo eating does seem like a very good path, and I love the community we have going around the food, the philosophy, the science. Glad to have ‘met’ you today — thanks for posting on my blog so I could follow you over here!
Melissa “Melicious” Joulwan recently posted..AHS Recap: Richard Nikoley
good for you you brave woman! your body is your temple and i need to remind myself of that too.
Hey!!! You are doing great kicking those sneaky extra pounds back to the curb! This time the garbage men will haul them far, far away.
I LOVE you Kimberly! What a wonderfully brave post and so well written. You are an inspiration! It is so exciting to see how you are changing mentally, spiritually, and emotionally as well as physically as you waltz along this path! xox
What a wonderful post. I think you look great in BOTH self-portraits–5 years ago and now. But of course how we look is only a little piece of the picture–I am looking forward to watching you on the journey back to feeling great.
I too am untangling some food intolerances and issues and it is such a pain! But I know the results will be worth it when I get it dialed in.
Glad there are others traveling that same road!
Anne @ Modern Mrs Darcy recently posted..The Art of Womanliness
Wow, what an incredible journey you have undertaken! It sounds like you’ve made some great progress so far. I can’t wait to see what else you achieve! Keep up the great work
on August 16th, 2011 at 3:13 am #
[...] amazement at all of the incredibly kind, powerful and positive comments that I received on my last post. Reading each and every one (uhh…many times) has caused my heart to swell, and I swear [...]
I think what you are doing is great! you are definately alot braver than me. But your story relates to me completely, so, thank you.
Thanks for your encouragement on the start of my journey – and now I’m excited to follow along on YOURS. You are on the right path and have a great attitude. Being brave enough to do it online will hopefully reward you with support, accountability and new friendships! I know it’s all about you taking care of you, but I think having a friendly shoulder to lean on or taking a hand to help you up the next step is a-okay too!
AMY! recently posted..Brokedown Mountain
Yay Kimberly, thanks for sharing & I’m looking forward to reading more about your journey. I started the Paleo diet about a month ago. Not so much to lose weight, but to gain more energy. A friend of mine had done it and shared so many of the benefits with me. She lost weight, but more importantly was feeling so good. Since I’ve been on the diet, I may have lost a little, but more importantly I feel so good and I’m not craving carbs or sugar like I thought I would. Which is crazy, because I actually have a grain grinder that I use to make my own bread (which I still do for our little ones). A friend of mine sent me some paleo blogs the other day. If you have any good ones that you go to for recipes, I’d love to hear about them.
. tiny twist creative . recently posted..an adoption conversation with cami
UPDATE: Erin I also wanted to add that every recipe that I have posted since June is Paleo-friendly, as well as SCD and GAPS friendly. I also post a photo of every meal that I eat on my Twitter account: https://twitter.com/#!/BambinoSteps. I do love Melissa’s site, and I also really like Everyday Paleo, Comfy Belly and Roost (she does SCD). I have many more. You’ve inspired me to create a little favorite Paleo site round-up. Thanks!
That is so exciting! So glad that it is working well for you. I have loads of sites that I have found to be helpful. I’ll round them up and send you a note.
Hope this doesn’t seem like butting in… I have a ton of grain-free, sugar-free, legume-free, dairy-free paleo recipes on my site. I try to keep them pretty easy to make and they’re mostly international kinds of things ’cause that’s what I like the most.
http://www.theclothesmakethegirl.com/recipes-index/
Melissa “Melicious” Joulwan recently posted..Deserted By Double-Unders + Bonus Barbell Dump
Not at all Melissa – I love it and adore your site (and will definitely be included in my list!).
I am with you on the point that loving yourself is getting to/staying at a healthy weight. Lately I’ve realized that you can (try to) love your body and treat it right AND try to lose weight at the same time. They are not opposite, in fact I do think that is the only way to lose weight and keep it off.
BTW, I LOVE your blog name!
Undercover Dieting recently posted..Planning to fail?
I couldn’t agree more. I am living that each day. Losing weight, watching your body change and feeling better is SUCH an amazing feeling. It’s so much easier to love myself when treating it right. And even though mentally I’m ready to have this weight loss journey over, I’m actually thankful the results aren’t overnight so that I can experience and appreciate and learn more about myself along the way. And thank you for the blog name compliment!
my husband has had a similar struggle – all his life, really.
he blogged about it here http://bennysfire.blogspot.com/2011/02/im-changed.html
and i guest posted a follow-up here http://bennysfire.blogspot.com/2011/03/guest-post-by-elizabeth.html
i wanted to write something encouraging to you – hang in there. stick with it. it sounds like you’ve got a great plan. and like others have said here – you are beautiful! and you’ll be even more so as you grow more comfortable inside your skin . . . i get it about wanting to be healthy . . . you are on your way!
Thank you so much Elizabeth for these kind, thoughtful words. I will most definitely read these blog posts; thank you for sharing your (and your husband’s) story.
Wow, thank you for this wonderful and open post! I’ve never been overweight, but always struggled with health issues which didn’t got any better until I started a Paleo diet last summer. I’ll join in!
Kath (My Funny Little Life) recently posted..Holiday Feeling
Thank you for the support!
I am so proud of you and I love you so freaking much. You are amazing and have such strong willpower. <3<3<3 (yes, I'm a bit behind on my blog reading, finally getting caught up)
on September 3rd, 2011 at 3:02 am #
[...] was when I was four years old. It may very well be my first memory. Proof I’ve always been a fattie, foodie at heart. I remember the slices of banana on the cookie sheet, the frosty, icy air of the [...]
on March 23rd, 2012 at 3:07 am #
[...] marathon, not a sprint. And damn it all, I have to give myself major credit for coming as far as I have. Focusing on my slip-ups and should-haves instead of recognizing my everyday victories simply [...]